waiting
Wednesday
Home Study Report
Here is the huge, thick envelope containing all our information that is needed to start our Home Study.
It contains:
- 5 Application forms (containing details of our finances, parenting styles etc)
- Copies of our Singapore Employment Passes
- Copies of our passports, birth certificates
- Copies of all our education qualifications
- Full medical check ups for both of us.
- Letters from our work to verify our salaries and length of contract with them.
- Bank / financial statements
- Proof that we own a car
We are still waiting on our criminal clearance certificates which need to be sent from Pretoria in South Africa.
We really want to be parents! I have felt such a yearning in my heart and sometimes just dream about the day we get a call to come fetch our baby! What would it feel like?
I read some CRAZY and sad stats about adoption and abortion rates in Singapore.
I was really shocked:
2009 - adoptions: 419, Abortions: 12318
2010 - adoptions: 325, Abortions: 12083
2011 - adoptions: 418, Abortions: 11940
2012 - adoptions: 396, Abortions: 10624
A positive point is that the rate of abortions seems to be decreasing but the numbers are staggering!!
Im praying for my future baby - I'm praying his/her mother choose LIFE, no matter what her circumstance might be!
Sunday
The next step: Adoption
This picture above is our "Pick-us-we-want-to-be-parents" picture!
This is the picture that is on the front of our folder for our Home Study Report.
It has been a long rd of thinking about going ahead and actually adopting - a roller coaster of emotions.
The seed was planted about 3 years ago when we first arrived in Singapore. We were in contact with various agencies, completed our pre-adoption briefing, had a meeting with a (dodgy) lady who sources the baby and met with a counsellor at another adoption agency to get info on how to go ahead with our home study. However, each time we kinda left feeling overwhelmed and feeling that perhaps it wasn't right?
This time last year we thought we would look into the possibility of trying to fall pregnant again but wanted all our bases covered. So $5000 later, numerous blood tests later, we were no closer to answers (except for the possibility that I might have a blood clotting problem which would prevent the baby from getting a good blood supply through the umbilical cord)
I know it is very easy for people to say "well, try again" but I just did not want to go through it all again!
To cut a long story short - 3 years later the words of a song hit me like a ton of bricks:
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"
That was it! I just knew we had to adopt!
So fast forward to now - taking the process step by step. We are in the process of our home study. The Singapore government actually doesn't require a HSR (home study report) but it might be needed when we try get the adoption legalised in South Africa. We are dealing with a lovely lady at the agency who has been incredibly helpful!
Adopting is very similar to being pregnant - those feelings of anticipation, fears that one might have - more like being emotionally pregnant.
I think we do fear getting too excited too quickly, so we are just taking the process slowly.
Here are some documents in our folder:
Not much is private anymore....
My heart skipped a beat when I saw the word "prospective adoptive parents"..... we might actually become parents!!!
Our police clearance and fingerprints that we need to get from South Africa.
First page of MANY...........
So for now, we are up to our eyeballs in paperwork, cautiously optimistic and excited at the possibility that we might actually, finally become parents!!!!
Wednesday
Sean and Warren
Dear Sean and Warren,
Today is your birthday! You are 29 Years old today!
It is also the day that you took your last breaths and we had to say goodbye.
Today is also my wedding anniversary - a happy occasion that took place on a day clouded with sadness.
I can only truly appreciate mom and dad's sorrow and grief for you both after what I have gone through in the last few years.
Before then, I never fully understood.
I dealt with my own feelings of loss - years ago, from a sister's point of view.
I loved paging through the books that mom had made for you. With doctors notes, pictures, sympathy cards etc, but I never fully understood what it must have been like from a parents point of view.
And I don't think people actually do until they have been through it themselves!
When you both died, mom wished that she had more of you to take home, more memories. But she left the hospital feeling very empty-handed.
As a result, she did amazing things for other women who lost their children. She made sure that women were able to say their goodbyes properly, and leave with footprints or handprints.
Your names are written in the book at Plumstead Methodist Church. Your names are written on the page dated "17 December"
I remember being in primary school and I went with dad to do errands before our holiday to Island Lake and he said he wanted to stop by and see your names in the book.
I went in with him.
He stood so quietly in front of the book and just started sobbing softly!
I get it now - it's like grave site, a special place where you are remembered.
Many babies / infants pass away and there is no remembrance place, no grave, no memories.
This was important for dad - to remember you both!
What I saw that day was raw love.
And I get it now.
After losing my babies, I get it!
Time makes it less raw and the good days and months and years outweigh the heavy, sad days, but the tears never completely dry up.
The longing never goes away.
Sometimes my heart literally aches to just be able to hold my babies.
As a child I still remember dreaming about you both - I still remember the dream clearly.
I now often dream of my own babies, what they doing, what they look like.
17 December is always such a hard day for mom and dad.
They will never forget.
Yes, many years have gone past, 2 other children were born, but once you have lost a child, that child is NEVER forgotten!
I think it's healthy to go back to that remembrance place and grieve once in a while.
I have made a scrapbook for mine, and there are times where I feel close to them, and I take the book out, read letters, cards, look at pics and I sob.
It doesn't mean Im taking a step backwards. It means that I loved more than I knew I ever could.
So today, as we remember your lives, know that we love you, think about you and acknowledge your short presence in our lives that impacted us tremendously!
Love your big sister,
Sands
xxx
Monday
New Beginnings
Today started a new academic year for the teachers and staff at school. (I am still getting used to the new year starting in August and not January!)
As fellow teachers will know, there is nothing that brings one greater joy than the smell of freshly sharpened pencils, the feel of warm, laminated paper and new stationary!
There have been lots of changes at school - and the reality of an expat's life is that friends come and go!
Nadine was a newbie as well at school. Fresh from the US of A, her husband worked at Burger King and they had made the move to Singapore. She initially only wanted to sub at school but at the last minute they needed a new 2nd Grade teacher so they called her up.
We had our first conversation over the table at the chairmans lunch at school in Aug 2012. (Our friend-a-versary as we say!)
We realised that we had so much in common. We shared a fantastic, sarcastic sense of humor and we hit it off.
There was no stopping us. Once our hubby's met, they hit it off too and very soon there was not a weekend that would go by where the Gilmour's and Ferranti's would not hang out together.
Here are just a few of the many things and experiences we have done together over the past 2 years....
1. We have travelled together... Phuket (totally photobombing this romantic pic!)
2. We had an awesome girls weekend in Bangkok together.....
3. We did our scuba diving course and have travelled to the most beautiful and remote diving spots....
4. We ate Dim Sum together....
5. We devoured Korean BBQ together....
6. We had THE best Bachelor / Bachelorette evenings filled with wine and burritos (and baileys Irish Cream)
7. We had braai's together.....
8. We were introduced to Mexican food and played Scattegories together.....
9. We celebrated our 30th's together.....
Mine: (which lasted a day - as a birthday does)
Her's: Which lasted a year..
10. We got ready for "Back to school" nights together....
11. We trained together.....
12. We joined a running club and reloaded all our burnt-off calories with Mr Prata afterwards.....
13. We took selfies together.....
These are just a few of the MANY things we did together!!
All of these special moments were filled with hours and hours of laughter!!
So as my friend moves on to start a life in another country, her stop in Singapore impacted my life and filled many peoples days with smiles and laughter!
As an expat, you realise that it's a transient life but the friendships you make are deep and meaningful.
Nadine came into my life at a time when I needed a friend to lean on, laugh with, and explore Singapore with.
Nadine, your friendship has been a blessing in my life!
xxx
PS: The one thing I will NOT miss are her hideous BURGER KING shorts which made a regular appearance on girls nights......
Wednesday
A Letter to Heaven
My dear boy, you would be turning two!
Those weeks I had with you, too few.
I find myself going back to that day
when the doctor had news too devastating to say
Your fragile heart was no longer beating,
and I realised that day we would not be meeting.
Your short but powerful life completely affected me
my days and others - all so different I see.
Life is now seen through a whole different lens
I treasure life's sweet blessings and friends.
I do get sad when it seems so easy for others
and I watch people take on their new role as mothers
But you taught me so much in a short little while
I can say "bring it on" to any a trial!
I love you so much, I want you to know
that I am YOUR mother and I miss you SO!
Friday
Dear Little One,
Seeing the quote above made me think of you and how even years down the line I still think of you!
Just like a Mother's love never expires for her children, my love for you won't either.
I still carried you, loved you, had plans for you.
SO much has changed in the 4 years since we lost you! Losing you made us grow up quickly and realise that life can throw curve balls that we are not prepared for but have to get through.
I was so naive on the morning of the 18 Aug 2009 - looking forward to meeting you and seeing you.
Finding out your heart had stopped beating was beyond crushing! We really didn't see that one coming at all!
I just want you to know that I love you like a mother loves her children she has here on earth!
I still wonder what life would be like if you were here.
Yet, you have taught us so much about life, ourselves and each other that we are grateful for!
If we hadn't lost you I doubt we would have made the move to Singapore and wouldnt have the opportunity to discover a whole different side of living!
So, Precious One, I want you to know that we love you and miss you!!!!
How to start a family?
Most often couples who go through infertility often hear people say, "Well, you can just adopt?"
Well, It really isn't JUST lets adopt!!
Today Mike and I went to meet with a social worker who gathers information and completes the couples home study. This home study gives "Permission" for the couple to be parents!
I had no clue what to wear!! When I was changed I asked Mike.... "Do I look like a potential Mom?"
It's rather strange to think that someone else is going to give you the "OK" to be parents! I totally can understand why - there are way too many cases of abuse, neglect and child trafficking that happen out there!
So here is just a "SHORT" list of what documentation needs to be gathered and handed to the social worker for her to start the home study(HS):
1. Register with an online portal here in Singapore so they can just keep track of adoption taking place.
2. Sign a declaration that there is no foreign child staying with us while we under go our home study.
3. Complete and sign consent forms for the agency to commence with the HS.
4. Complete a questionnaire - VERY comprehensive questionaire!
5. We need to complete online training on baby care, attachment issues, bonding etc.
6. Documents:
Passports
Employment Pass documents
Birth Certificates
Marriage Certificate
7. Health Check up: we need a full medical checkup.
8. Employment verification: Proof that we have a job, how long we have worked there and what our salary is.
9. We need to give a statement of net worth - all life insurances etc.
10. A copy of tax assessments for the past 2 years.
11. A monthly budget showing our income and monthly expenditure and showing that we do have money to support a child.
12. Copies of our academic qualifications.
13. Criminal background check - proof that we dont have a criminal record.
14. We need to give 2 character references each.
15. Guardianship: We need to nominate someone to be guardian of our child if something had to happen to us and that person has to give a signed acceptance of guardianship.
Once all the above documentation is collected, the HS can begin that includes an office and a home visit.
We need to ensure that our house is armed with a smoke detector and a fire extinguisher!
Once the HS has been completed and a final report has been written, we then need to contact another agency who is responsible for sourcing a baby.
That is a tricky part because we living in Singapore and the logistics of it can be complicated.
So, please think twice before saying to a couple "Oh, well if you cant fall pregnant, you can JUST adopt!"
All the above is ONLY the logistical part, never mind the emotional part that accompanies the process!
We have lots to chew on!!!
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